Update

I find myself sitting in front of the computer for yet another inordinate amount of time. I lie down on my stomach because I read somewhere that having your laptop on your lap for too long can cause infertility and cancer. While I'm not big on babies, cancer must be avoided at all costs (as I trans my fats with glee).

Yesterday, I refrained from taking Klonopin because I couldn't be bothered to find the bottle. This lethargy/apathy dynamic is best attributed to said drug, and I'm glad I didn't take it because I was able to wake up early with Creativity's ample bosom motorboat distance away. I am tired of being medicated and I am terrified of people when I am not on medicine. How much longer will this continue? My new psychiatrist doubled my dose, because it no longer works for my anxiety, but if I miss it, watch out. I am not taking double, I am hoarding the pills in case I go somewhere tropical somehow.

What I need is a long retreat wherein I stay away from human beings and focus on poetry and detoxing. The perfect opportunity lies in the Redwoods of Cali, and Sam offered to bring me with him and safely withdraw from humanity there. Unfortunately, my grandmother is very sick, so that's not happening.

I wonder if Klonopin is in some way responsible for my incorrigible behavior. It is definitely very numbing-I used to be a very nice person, but my moral compass only works intermittently. We live in an age where almost anything can be justified. That being said, I'm no sick predator. I had a chat with a pedophile the other day that gave me nightmares. I don't want to write about it; thinking on it makes me feel sick.

If this is my only life, my only chance, I am not making the most of it. I sleep 10-12 hours a day, and waste the rest of the day in a state of muted depression, surfing the Web, which could not have a better name. I am tangled in the web, along with countless others. We breath against its electric fabric, trapped. It is almost erotic.

So where to go from here. I have an interview with an Americorps person Tuesday. If I get the job (this is my second interview), which I almost pray I don't, my life will dramatically change and I will be in charge of like 20 preschool kids. If I get it, I won't be paid (almost anything), but there's a $5500 educational award at the end which seems like a lot to me even though it isn't. If I get it, I will have to commit for 10 months, and I hate committing to things. I wish I could join the Peace Corps but no-one will vouch for me because I am so good at burning bridges and so bad at committing to things.

What do I love in life? Music, writing, animals. I don't know if I want to be a primatologist, but I can't imagine that it's possible to tire of cute chimps and monkeys. Then again, for a year or so I thought I wanted to be an ethnomusicologist. These are very specific careers because I am a very specific person. At the same time, I realize I'm not all that unique and I really need to learn how to identify with everyone else again. The fear of being judged is palpable and in the shape of a scythe pressed against my neck. I am melodramatic. What to do? Wish me luck.